A couple of weeks ago I attended a seminar by my journal-writing/therapy mentor, Kathleen Adams. At the time I was at the height of my distress over my job. The idea of a whole day writing and learning more about journal techniques from 'the master' had momentarily calmed and uplifted me. Then Kay asked us to finish the following statement, "Right now in my life.."
I wrote frantically for five minutes. It poured out of me. After the writing sprint we were asked to write a sentence or two of feedback to ourselves: "As I read this I notice..." This personal feedback was what we shared with the group (if we chose). I told them that although I was calm before the write I was now a nervous wreck! I had traded a relaxed attitude for hunched shoulders and a stomach of jumping beans. Kay told me I might want to explore this in an exercise we would be doing in the afternoon.
At lunch Kay and I shared a table, and the conversation - which was intended to be about my upcoming journal workshops - became a mini therapy session. I was still shaky and Kay, being the experienced therapist that she is, asked me all the right questions. The word "loyalty" came up.
That afternoon, Kay told the group about Alpha Poems. I was already familiar with them as they were a fun portion of my workshop training. I chose to do a poem based on the word Loyalty. Here's what came out:
Limits myself, always
Open, always
Yes, never no
Attitude
Limits the way I go
Take the road to
YOU
Wanting to play some more I chose to do a poem using the entire alphabet.
Always
Bending to others
Cutting out the
Day to
Everyone but me
Favoring
Goodness
Hating
Irresponsibility
Judging myself
Knowing how
Loyalty is my
Mantra
No one is happy
Open the door
Pursue the
Quest
Resume the
Stability of
Tension
Undo the
Values
(e)Xplor
Yourself
I didn't think about what word or phrase would come next, it just happened. I didn't even know what word I was going to write until I began writing it. It is a magical thing!
Anyway, the phrase that immediately jumped out at me was the strange, "Resume the Stability of Tension." Now, I am a tense person and in my experience, that is not a good thing. I have even taken drugs for it. Hubby frequently asks me in utter frustration as he runs out of door 15 minutes before he needs to, why it has to be "so tense around here in the mornings?" I couldn't put my finger on what it meant, exactly, but I loved the sound of that phrase and had a feeling it had something important to tell me. I played with the idea in my journal, even wrote more alpha poems around it. Still not knowing how to decipher its meaning, I decided it would be my new mantra.
Then a couple of days ago, I read this in Christina Baldwin's Life's Companion:
... you need to envision a lifeline between [where you are and where you want to go]. It needs to be tense, like a tightrope, something you can walk along. The necessity for tension requires we develop a different attitude about tension: this is creative tension. Creative tension is what creates the path. When we lose tension, we wander without focus (my bolding). We have to decide over and over again to stay close to the tension, to walk the wire.
I was wandering without focus. I was trying to split myself between a job that was sucking the life out of me and the longing to pursue a writing/teacher career that was "dragging me about" (again, I quote Christina Baldwin; she *is* me). I needed to Resume the Tension (Focus) to gain Stability.
I put loyalty to my boss and my job aside and I chose to put my longing back in charge. Together we will walk the high wire of creativity - up where Potential and the Higher Self lives.
Call it
luck. Call it coincidence. I call it Mother's Intuition.
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