Today I just want to turn on the TV and not move, not speak, not be. All day. Today I don't want to be a mom, a wife, a writer, a entrepreneur, an employee... nothing, I want to be and do nothing.
I've always prided myself on not being a soap-opera-watching mom, but today I would like nothing more than that. But I know I won't, primarily because I hate soap-operas, but also because I took a mental health day off work and I have to justify it in my own mind. I will continue to work on something; something that "needs" to be done - I will email a potential client (I have already stopped writing this post once to do that because it popped into my head and I had to take care of it now), I will put some laundry away, I will organize something, or I will pay some bills. What I really need to do is get out my journal and have a chat with myself. I need to get to the bottom of this anxiety, this imbalance, this self-doubt.
I have too many balls in the air. I am trying too hard.
Yesterday I attended a Journal Therapy workshop lead by Kay Adams, "one of the most prominent and established voices in the field of therapeutic writing." It was a great day; I learned some more valuable information I can use in my own journal-writing workshops and got a new burst of adrenaline to push me towards my goals.
But I also received a mini therapy session over lunch that has thrown my already tilting world a little further off kilter.
This morning I was grumpy, frustrated, and an emotional time-bomb. Yesterday Kay told me I was on the right track, "ready to explode" (i.e. my business) but then today here I am again, mopping up apple juice, brushing out tangles, packing lunch boxes, and avoiding the shaggy-haired woman in the mirror with the bags under her eyes.
Although "ready to explode," I am questioning everything. Is it selfish to start my own business when my children are young and still needing me? But would I be sabotaging my own dream (and sanity) by sacrificing my needs completely? Do I have a responsibility to my job to give it my all while still employed there? Shouldn't my children see me pursuing a dream and so serve as a role model to them? But what kind of role model am I when I am impatient, distracted, or in tears?
"Ready to explode" might be more accurate a description than originally intended. Yes, I just might explode, or implode depending where the pressure is strongest - from outside responsibilities or the voice inside my head telling me I must achieve, I must succeed, I must be more than "just a mom."
I have a friend whose dream of being a yoga teacher has been put it on hold. She has decided to be all she can be to her children before they start school full-time. She told me she needs to provide them a nice house and a mom who's there. She said the most yogic thing she can do right now is not to practice yoga. She doesn't want to put that kind of pressure on herself. Trying to be disciplined in the whirlwind that is a stay-at-home mother's world is not worth the stress.
I'm beginning to think she might have the right answer.
Who is the most important right now? Me or the kids? Me or the kids? Someone tell me the right answer, please.
Posts
