What I've learned

1. It's a bad sign when 63 minutes into summer vacation you are wishing for fall.

2. Summer vacation is far from it when you have a six-year old who started missing school precisely four minutes after getting off the bus and decides every toy, art supply, and large, outdoor recreational apparatus is boooorrrrring compared to learning to read with her beloved Mrs. Perkins.

3. At 3pm, you unknowingly pass into another time dimension and the next four hours before bed actually last a whole year (and take that much time off your life.) But, conversely, the next three hours before your bedtime will last a total of 16 minutes.

4. Diapers put on inside out produce the same effect as duck feathers.

5. When you drive an hour to attend a festival which - along with your blossoming headache - will require the full cooperation of a well-rested two-year old, he will not nap in the car despite it being his usual nap time. Instead he and his sister will sing Bob the Builder, WE CAN BUILD IT! fifty times in a row.

6. Modeling clay holds the same temptation to a toddler as chewing gum, but not the elasticity, and when spat on the floor tends to splat.

7. Folded laundry on a couch will be jumped on.

8. A two-year old thinks lugging a massive plastic truck full of blocks up a steep Victorian stair- case (while naked and wearing rain boots) is feasible. It is not. And just as the first two times he tried it, gravity and a rather large head are not his friends. However, rubber bones are.

9. And most fascinating of all, I have learned that slugs, when obliterated between little fingers, cannot be removed with a napkin, soap and water, a dish brush, nay, even a power-washer. So, in the interest of science I will be testing the glowing yellow gloop on a plate that needs fixing.