5.17.2009

It's 3:28AM

I have returned Tator Tot to his bed 3 times and been kicked in the back one too many. The rain is tap-tapping on the carport beneath the bedroom window. I roll onto this side, and on the other. No good. Brain has kicked in. Three blog posts have visited me. I have to give in and get up.

Something beckons from the other room. My beloved laptop. And silence.

I love sleep. The soft enveloping weight of my duvet and the cool of a freshly washed pillow case... ahhhh. But in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, it is writing that pulls me from my nest. Usually on nights like this it is my journal that gets my attention and because my analytical brain is still curled up on that pillow I can write for many a page - from a deeper place.

But tonight this blog called me. I'm not sure what it is I am aiming to say but I wanted to feel the satisfying tap dance of fingers on keys. It calms me to write. Even if I am writing for me alone, watching my words steadily fill a page/screen helps me feel alive. If someone reads it and relates then even better, but not necessary.

My bed is calling me again but this short sojourn into the pre-dawn silence has been enough to fulfill my need for a moment with me. My eyes are straining with the brightness of the screen. I know it would probably have been a better choice to fill the pages of the thick-paper journal that sits by my bed. But I believe I am here babbling about nothing for a reason - to avoid going to that deeper place only my journal can take me. I went to bed sad, maybe even angry. I do not know why - but my journal does - but I am not ready to talk.

When we avoid something there is usually a reason, and for that very reason we must push past our fear. Being afraid to hear what your soul, you higher self, your intuition has to say is a clear indication that that is exactly what you need to hear.

We have all the answers. We have all the resources we will ever need to heal ourselves. They are locked inside. It is our job to find the key. For some it might be meditation, art, dance, prayer. For me it is writing.

So here I sit at 4:06AM - weary and written-out (for the moment), having solved nothing. Except I now know for sure I need to sit down and have a little chat with myself.

Later.

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1 comment:

Morgan U said...

You are my idol!